Redditor Goes from “Negative, Anxious, and Depressed” to Passing the Bar on 3rd Try

Dear Brian, 

I write to share that I finally passed the California bar exam on my third attempt. 

Here is my story: 

By way of background, I attended a Top 50 school and was in the bottom 25% of my class.  I did everything my school suggested to ensure success in the bar exam: taking bar tested subjects throughout law school, complete as much as my bar prep course as possible, submit essays to be reviewed by professors who were past bar graders, and complete as many adaptibar questions as possible. The school constantly reminded me that because of my class rank (or lack thereof), I had less of a chance of passing the bar.  This is important, so stay with me.  

By the time bar prep started in May 2022, I was exhausted.  I ended up studying all summer completely alone in my apartment, going weeks without speaking to another human being, thinking that this exam required my 100% effort, and thus, isolation.  In retrospect, I had no business sitting down to study for that exam with the exhaustion I felt.   As I progressed through the bar prep course, I realized I was only completing assignments to get the progress bar closer to the “100% complete” mark.  I felt like the pace was too quick and the passive learning of watching videos and reading outlines was not for me.  

In the deepest part of my soul, I knew this was not working for me.  However, I listened to my law school and the bar prep course who told me my success on the exam was tied to how much of the bar prep course I completed. I listened to “trust the process”.  I listened to “things will click toward the end”.  I listened to “just keep doing more adaptibar questions”.  I listened to “you do not need to memorize the law until the end!”  Spoiler alert: they were wrong! My adaptibar average at 900 questions was 59%.  I completed about 80% of my bar prep course.  I did open notes essays all the way up until a few weeks out from the exam because I was too scared to see what I did not know (huge mistake!).  

My anxiety and depression were through the roof.  I spoke to a therapist twice a month, but did not find him helpful. Each time I sat to practice an essay or some MBEs, my hands were shaking, my heart was pounding in my chest, and I kept remembering how much my school reminded me that I would inevitably have a harder time passing the exam based on my law school GPA.  Overall, I had low self-esteem and did not believe in myself.  I sat for the exam anyway.  I felt unprepared and demoralized.  I purchased a copy of your Magicsheets a few weeks before the exam and WISHED I had them when I first began studying.  Anyway, I did not pass July 2022.  I scored in the low 1200s overall. 

Although I had a feeling I was not going to pass, it still hurt.  I think it is important for people to know that you can do everything you are told to do, work really hard, and still not pass.  It is simply a hard exam with many variables at play.  There is some weird philosophy out in the bar prep world that you only fail if you do not put the effort in.  Wrong.  I put all my effort in, but I realized I was putting effort into a process that was not working for ME.  

After not passing, I got let go from my job.  It sucked.  But I believe in destiny and things happening as they are supposed to.  I held onto this tightly while I navigated how to tackle the February 2023 bar.  I also reached out to you during this time on Reddit.  You were literally godsent.  You did not discourage me when I told you I scored in the 1200s.  You heard me out, offered your thoughts, and made me feel like I could do this.

Additionally, I was lucky enough to have a partner who financially supported me while I studied full time for the February bar.  This time, I did not re-do my course all over again.

Things I did differently for Feb 2023:

– Studied at my apartment with my partner and in the same city as my family (instead of in another city completely alone). 

– Joined a virtual study group of about 2 other retakers where we studied on our own in the morning, did a practice essay on a subject, and reconvened in the afternoon to issue spot/discuss things that stumped us.  I felt like this virtual study group was SO useful.  

– I started a word document in which I wrote down a rule statement of the law I missed on my Adaptibar questions

– I did about 60 practice essays, most of them closed book and timed.  I also did a lot of issue spotting (like your essay cooking method). 

I was actually doing MORE active studying this time instead of passive.  Going into the Feb 2023 bar, I did over 60 closed-book essays (at least 1 full write out per day, closed-book, timed; I cooked essays more toward the end of bar study period). Evidence scared the shit out of me, so I dove right in and did as many evidence essay questions as possible.  I did 1 PT per week on average, but the PT is my strongest suit, so I did not worry too much about doing more.  I did at least 1,500 adaptibar questions with an average of about 65%.  

However, each time I sat before a practice essay, or attempted to do an Adaptibar practice set, I kept hearing a voice in my head saying I was not good enough/smart enough to pass this exam.  Each time I completely messed up an essay, or bombed an MBE, this voice got louder.  My brain used all of my mess-ups during bar prep to prove to me why I was not good enough.  I did not have a therapist anymore, so I tried navigating the mental component alone.  It is hard dealing with this level of anxiety. 

Per the bar prep analytics experts at my school, my numbers indicated I would pass on my second attempt.  During the Feb 2023 bar exam, I had trouble concentrating because I had so much anxiety.  I cried after the first day because I felt I had already failed.  Overall, I felt like the Feb 2023 exam was tougher than July 2023.  

Feb 2023 Result: I scored 134X overall, with an overall 1400-something on the essays, and mid-1200s on the MBE. 

What went wrong in Feb 2023:

(1) My mental health.  I did not believe in myself.  I did not know how to control my anxiety.  

(2) Although I wrote down my missed MBE rule statements in word doc, I never reviewed it.  Toward the end of feb 2023 bar prep, I began actually WRITING OUT a rule statement in a notebook and reviewing that notebook once per day. Ultimately, I felt this way more helpful than the word document.  

(3) Did not set much time for memorization of black letter law. (**I THINK THIS IS THE KEY FOR PASSING THE EXAM**) 

(4) did not dive right into the other subject areas that scared me. 

I reached out to you, again, to share that I did not pass.  You were encouraging, again.  I asked you about hiring a tutor, especially after one told me that although I had passed the essay section with an overall score in the 1400s, it actually did not count because my essays were 60s and my PT was 70.  YOU TOLD ME THAT THIS SHIT DID NOT MATTER, REALLY, BECAUSE PASSING WAS PASSING.  You helped me save $7,000, haha. Thanks!

It was a hard period in my life: someone close to me passed away right after bar results, most of my friends passed this time, I had no money or job.  I did not work throughout the Nov 2022-May 2023 because I was studying for the exam and waiting for bar results.  I was so mentally drained and exhausted when I sat for July 22 and Feb ’23 that I did nothing all throughout March-May ’23.  Although this was good for me to slow down, it ultimately made it so that I put my whole life on hold waiting for my bar results.  I do not recommend doing this.  Making the bar the end all-be all of my whole life was DAMAGING, because when I did not pass, my whole life felt absolutely destroyed. 

Third Time is the Charm

I wrote above about how hard it was for me to fail a second time in light of everything else going on in my life.  It was insanely difficult to pick up the pieces.  Ultimately, I felt lost and alone.  I spinned my wheels over hiring a tutor for thousands of dollars (which I did not have, so I needed to find a way to come up with some money).  Ultimately, after speaking with you and a few other people I trusted, I decided not to hire a tutor.  It was a brave choice because I ultimately, again, became the dean of my studies (phrase from you, Brian). 

I mentioned earlier that my law school has a program in which we can submit practice essays to our law school professors who were past bar graders for feedback/scores. I utilized this program throughout the past attempts and continued to do this on the third attempt, except I worked with a different professor who I think got me to the finish line because I made sure to check in with her all the time. Although she did not tutor me 1:1 per say, her feedback on my essays was invaluable.  This professor has a history of working with repeat test takers, and said the big thing you need to do to pass the bar exam is MEMORIZE THE BLACK LETTER LAW.  So unlike my prior attempts, I prioritized memorizing the black letter law.  Another golden nugget she gave me was that almost every sentence in the bar essay has a fluorescent easter egg of an issue in it.  Look for that fluorescent easter egg. 

I think what I realized this third time was that MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH WAS PREVENTING ME FROM PERFORMING OPTIMALLY ON THE EXAM.  I was also so negative, anxious, and depressed.  IF YOU KEEP BELIEVING THIS EXAM IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD AND THAT YOU WILL NEVER PASS IT, THEN YOU WILL NEVER PASS IT. I ended up finding a wonderful therapist.  We worked on a weekly basis and I did A LOT of inner work re: my self-esteem.  I think this is the biggest factor that allowed me to pass the exam because I finally changed my thought process.  I started believing I could actually pass this thing.  So whenever I fucked up on an essay or MBE, instead of berating myself, I said outloud “Oh! Good learning experience.  Thank you, essay/MBE, for showing me what I did not know. I will get it next time!”  I know this sounds so cheesy but it helped me rewire my brain connections.  In turn, I stopped perceiving the exam as a big scary monster threat and began seeing it more as a game.  More of an “Wow this was a crazy hard question! I’ll get it next time!”  THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING I DID THE THIRD TIME AROUND, AND IT WORKED! 

But you probably want to know about what other tangible things I did differently the third time, so here they are: 

Tools: All 3 Mary Basick Books; Grossman MBE lectures; Magicsheets; JD Advising website; BarEssays; Adaptibar; BarMD BLL Cheatsheets; Themis Essay Workshops Handouts

I 100% recommend the Grossman MBE lectures.  They are a great, succinct way to review BLL.  I filled out the handouts as I listened.  For the first two weeks of bar prep review, I refreshed the subjects through his lectures, tested myself with my one essay closed book, reviewed, and then did about 20 MBE adaptibar questions with review.  

(1) Closed-book, timed essays, at least ONE PER DAY.  I did this FROM THE BEGINNING OF MY BAR PREP STUDY PERIOD.  Yes, it sucks ass to sit there at the beginning and not know what the hell to write.  It does not make you feel good.  BUT YOU MUST DO THIS.  Doing closed-book essay exams, timed, will expose all the gaps of knowledge you have in your black letter law.  This is your chance to fill those gaps.  After each essay, I took a 15 minute break, went back and reviewed.  I kept an essay log in which I wrote every issue I missed.  I also wrote the score my professors would give me.  If I struggled with a certain issue/ subject, I used Mary Basick’s essay table to pull up a few essays testing similar issues.  I printed those out and set them aside.  I did them the following day to see if I retained the black letter law I learned and could properly issue spot them.  As I stated, I did at least one full write per day, but ended up issue spotting a lot more later in study period. I did every single essay in the Basick book (except for the CA tested subjects) and compared my answers to her answers. I read her explanations carefully, and she gives a lot of golden nuggets in there as well (s/a “whenever this issue is tested, bar graders are looking for XYZ).  I think this is a great way to see how the bar examiners test different issues on the essays.  I also incorporated at least two PR questions per week and 1 PT per week. If these are your weak areas, make sure to practice PR and PT because they are easy points!

(2) I did nearly 2,000 adaptibar questions.  This time, I wrote down missed rule statements in a notebook.  I had pretty pens in different colored inks, so each day was a new color.  Idk why seeing the different colors, indicating what I missed each day, helped me.  Also, I reviewed this notebook at least two times per day.  I read it outloud a few times a day.  This is passive studying, though, but after reading it outloud so many times, I memorized the rule statements. 

Some more tips on Adaptibar: 

(1) Do a few of their practice exams.  Yes, it is scary.  But it will give you a lot of data about where those gaps in your knowledge are.  

(2) Each weekend, I printed out all the questions I got wrong throughout the week or had marked up for review.  I covered the answers.  I read the question, identified the issue, wrote down the rule, WROTE DOWN A ONE-SENTENCE ANALYSIS OF WHAT THE ANSWER WAS AND WHY, and then compared my answer and reasoning to the actual answer.  This was a game changer.  It forced me to do that extra level of analysis and really see if I knew the law AND HOW IT APPLIED. My scores began improving like crazy.  I think a common pitfall with MBEs is that you think you know the law, but you really don’t.  You just get the right answer through POE.  This is a huge trap because while Adaptibar MBEs are similar to the actual bar exam MBES, I do believe they are different.  So, you need to make sure you know the actual black letter law because that is ultimately what you will need.  If I got my rule/analysis wrong, or the question right but with wrong analysis, I wrote a one-to-two sentence saying something like, “X is the correct answer because Y. I got this wrong because I thought Z, but the right answer is correct because of Y.” This rewires your reasoning and analysis.  I know, this is tedious and grueling, but I credit this to a huge jump in my MBEs.*

(3) I particularly struggled with Real Property MBEs, so doing step 2 was a big game changer. 

(4) I know 2,000 is a lot of questions.  Ultimately, I think quality beats quantity.  However, I made use of each question I attempted.  DO NOT BE AFRAID OF DIVING INTO THOSE SUB-TOPICS THAT ARE YOUR WEAKEST. YOU CAN MAKE GREAT STRIDES THERE IF YOU PUT IN THE WORK.  With that being said, I was also strategic about what time I dedicated to each subtopic.  I was not going to spend a million hours on a sub-topic that was only tested about 10% of the time. 

(5) I ALWAYS finished the adaptibar questions EARLY throughout the three times I’ve studied for this exam.  Whenever I did practice exams with 200 questions, I finished each section with at least 30-45 minutes to spare.  On July 22, I ended up going back to my answers and changed a lot of them during this extra time.  On Feb 2023, I got up and left early.  Some good advice I got from Chris Fromm (Themis MBE expert) was to use that time to my advantage.  So, after I set of 20 or 30 questions, I took a few minutes to relax, do some deep breathing, look around a bit.  It also slowed down a smidge when doing the questions.  I think this ultimately improved my accuracy because I gave myself mini-breaks every few questions sets.  On July 23, I finished right on time with these mini-breaks incorporated.  I felt good about that. 

(6) the better you become at the MBE, the better you’ll do on your essays.  Put in the work for MBE. 

(3) I made time each day to memorize the law.  I think you need to memorize a lot of law if you want to pass this exam.  I used the issue checklists from Mary Basick and memorized them.  I memorized her Memorization attack sheets.  Whatever issues I missed throughout the day, whatever elements I missed, I saw it on my notebook/ essay word doc, got my whiteboard and wrote it out over and over and over again.  I said it outloud over and over and over again.  The next day, I wrote it down over and over again.  I especially hated Contracts, so I memorized Basick’s memorization attack sheet (UNDERSTANDING WHAT EACH THING MEANT AND WHERE IT BELONGED IN THE LIFE OF A CONTRACT). I also used flashcards but did not flip over the flashcard to read the elements/ definition.  I MADE MYSELF SAY OUTLOUD THE ELEMENTS/DEFINITION before flipping it over.  I made two piles: do not know and know.  I went through my “did not know pile” more often than my know pile.  But I didn’t go crazy and make a million flashcards.  It was only if I kept getting an issue wrong (Ex: merchant’s firm offer rule), that I did a flashcard with the elements/definition in the back.  

(4) I met up for about 2 hours on some Saturdays with another retaker friend virtually, maybe like 4 times throughout the whole bar prep.  We each picked one or two essays we wanted to work through together.  We attempted to issue spot/ outline for the first 20 minutes alone,  reconvened and spoke about what we found, and then discussed the law, how it worked, etc.  I know this isn’t for everyone, but I think it is a great way to study as well. 

My philosophy the third time was: (1) attempt (essays/MBEs closed book, timed always), (2) Review and see my gaps in black letter law, (3) memorize BLL, (4) repeat, which meant going back to step one and attempting another MBE/ essay and proceed to steps 2 and 3.  I did this over and over and over again.  By memorizing Basick’s issue checklists, I began doing my own issues checklists which helped me issue spot on the essay and ultimately understand the law better. 

Other things that helped: my therapist, as stated above.  I did a lot of meditation and went out for walks throughout the day.  I made sure to see my family and boyfriend and give myself at least two evenings throughout the week just for myself.  I listened to meditations on youtube before sleeping, some of which were self-hypnosis for positive thinking / passing exams.  I had positive affirmations throughout my home, especially near my desk, which I said out loud a few times a day.  I love Yin Yoga and did a lot of it during bar study. I also made sure to get some good sleep (at least 6-9 hours) and not drink too much coffee. I was lucky enough to have my friends who were super supportive, even though they passed.  I know some other folks completely ghosted everyone after not passing, which I do not recommend.  We deserve to be surrounded with nice, supportive friends.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Biggest regrets the the third time: was not spending enough time with CA tested subjects.  If I had to do it over again, I would incorporate at least one of these each week. Remedies is actually a heavily tested topic, and I literally memorized your magicsheets and approsheets for remedies, which I think helped with Q5 on the bar, so make sure you incorporate that as well. 

Game Day: I took my Basick essay book with me, your magicsheets, and the Themis essay workshop handouts.  During lunch on day 1, I actually pulled up the Themis essay workshop sheet for Crim Law and your magicsheets for the other topics I thought might be tested in the afternoon.  I got lucky, because the Crim Law essay workshop template was exactly what was tested in the afternoon.  At the end of day 1, I felt okay, which was a first for me.  

Day 2 was more challenging for me because it was MBE, and MBE had always given me trouble.  I utilized a lot of the relaxation techniques I learned through therapy to calm my anxiety.  Using Fromm’s advice from above also helped.  I also just went in there believing in myself and my hard work over the summer.  My adaptibar average overall was 70% over 2,000 questions, and my mock MBE exams were ranging in the 75%-80% range.  I leaned into that and trusted myself because I knew that I KNEW THE BLACK LETTER LAW based on how I approached the MBE questions this time around during practice.  

Oh, and I hate hearing people talk about the exam content.  I was alone during lunch on day 1 and day 2 for this particular reason and got off the reddit retaker group chats as well.  (although I did overhear some girls talk about some issues from the essays when I got coffee during lunch on day 2 , and freaked out because they spoke about an issue I did not address. But I ended up passing anyway, lol). 

I did not walk out of that exam 100% confident that I passed.  But I felt a lot better than I did the past 2 times. I felt like maybe I had a shot, or at least a better shot than the past 2 times.  I then moved on with my life.  I finally applied for the job I wanted and got hired.  I took a vacation.  I forgot about the exam all Fall.  As results were getting closer, I had saved up so much money because if I did not pass a 4th time, I was going to get a tutor.  I knew I still wanted to work because of the income, so I planned on taking the July 24 bar.  

I was so nervous to check my results on November 9th.  But I checked and I passed! 

Final thoughts: 
Ultimately, I think working with a therapist was the magic key for me.  Statistically, I am actually an anomaly.  I am part of the 2% of latina attorneys in the United States now.  I was never, ever supposed to get to this point.  I think that is what messed me up so much: I kept thinking I did not deserve to get this far, I was an imposter, and even my school thought I was not going to make it.  

Some inner issues that I kept ignoring kept me from giving my ALL on the exam.  How could I pass this exam if I couldn’t even relax my body enough to properly digest the knowledge? How could I pass if I berated myself each time I did not do well in practice? I changed the narrative I kept telling myself and things began changing.  

YOU MUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY DO THIS.  I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Practical stuff: I 100% believe in ACTIVE studying.  None of that watching videos bullshit.  Sit your ass down and do an essay on a subject area that scares you.  If you messed up terribly, GREAT.  You will learn so much more from that experience than hitting all the issues in an essay.   Put in the actual work on the MBEss.  Don’t just go through MBE motions.  Do the hard work in making sure you know BLL and that your analysis is correct.  Do as many PR questions as you can, and incorporate more PT practice, because these are easy points.  Most of my advice is for retakers, although I told my first-time exam taking mentees during summer to start doing closed book essay exams ASAP.  They passed and thanked me for offering this tip to them because they thought it was key. 

I am now in my dream job and will be sworn in in a few weeks.  Sometimes “failures” are redirections.   This exam is just this, an exam.  Do not let it determine your self-worth. You will be surprised to know how many attorneys fail the bar exam on their first try.    yourself with good people.  I am so lucky to have great friends that always uplifted me.  Look for these people and hang onto them (If you don’t have anyone, I can be that person for you.)  Treat yourself kindly.  Believe in yourself. I believe in you.  You can do this.  I had (and still have) a post it note near my desk that says “It is November 9, and I passed the July 23 bar exam”.  I said this out loud throughout the summer at least twice a day.  On the evening I learned I passed, I looked at this post-it and said it outloud, tearfully. 

If any retakers want to connect, I am happy to do so.  I am reachable via reddit at cappchip15.  

Thanks again for all your help throughout this process! 

***

I literally had to sit down one evening with myself and treat the first exam like an ex-boyfriend. I’m talking about like, writing a letter digesting the score and letting it go, and moving on with my life. Telling it that it cannot be part of my life anymore

But a few friends I know also felt similarly tethered. If any retakers feel like this, I really think it’s so important to let that first score/ past score go.